Shit We're Watching

 

Episode 9, “Shut Up And Eat Your Bologna”

Does Bridget find out Siobhan is still alive? Is Gemma really dead? We find out the answer to one of these questions this week! Nothing in this ep was as good as the dinner with Tyler last week, but we got some solid forward momentum on the Gemma and Thuggy Sponsor plot lines.

We open on: YAY MAKE-OUT TIMES. WAIT ANDREW IS PUTTING HIS CLOTHES ON INSTEAD OF OFF. What does this mean? Is it morning? Is it night? This looked like foreplay but now I’m confused. Stop talking about possible vacation spots and tell me what this kissiness means! Have they done it yet? This looks post-coital, but they wouldn’t do it and not show us, right? ARGH.

Bridget takes the gun from her closet and waves it around like there’s no chance someone could walk in behind her and see it. FLASHBACK: the night before Bridget’s supposed to testify. Seems she got the gun from Jimmy the FBI agent, who sneaks it into her bag after telling her she’d be better off running than testifying, since half the Bureau’s on Bodaway’s payroll and she’d be dead if she puts him away.

Bridget calls Thuggy Sponsor and asks him how one would get rid of a gun. “Something tells me this is not a hypothetical question.” UGH. This dude. He offers to take care of it and Bridget agrees. Just take a ride on the Staten Island Ferry, lady!! WHY does she trust him? Thuggy is on his Bluetooth, cheerfully lying to her about where he is. We can see he’s not at the library at all, but is bringing a plate of food down to a locked basement where we find … GEMMA!! All tied to a chair and blindfolded and gagged. HA. I KNEW she wasn’t dead, y’all.

Malcolm is in a NA meeting! He’s all grateful to Thuggy Sponsor/Charlie for giving him a place to stay! He’s been clean for 6 days! Clean for 6 days, huh? So NOW Malcolm could testify against Bodaway, right? Naw, that ship has apparently sailed. Bridget shows up and hands the gun to Charlie to get rid of – in a very public hallway, like you would do.

Henry has brought his two redheaded toddlers to Andrew’s office so he can sign some papers. Olivia flows in and sticks around to eavesdrop on how Gemma’s dad isn’t doing so great since Gemma’s disappearance. She has her scheming face on.

Bridget and Malcolm check in over coffee. She tells him about giving Charlie the gun since she had to get it out of the house. Malcolm calls her out on falling for the “Prince Charming fantasy” with Andrew and reminds her that the whole borrowing-her-sister’s-identity was supposed to be temporary. Bridget plays it off like she’s only trying to find out who was trying to hurt her sister.

So Bridget searches Siobhan’s things for clues. She finds a bottle of meds and makes an appointment with the prescribing doctor, a psychiatrist. She finds out that Siobhan used to use an alias when making appointments. She remembers what Tyler sniped at dinner the night before and guesses “Cora” Doc: “Yes, Cora Farrell.” Bridget plays it off as if her need for discretion has lessened and starts awkwardly fishing for info: “I can’t even remember why I stopped coming in the first place… haha… DOT DOT DOT QUESTION MARK.”

When the doc asks how she’s been, Bridget proceeds to blow her mind: things are better with Andrew, she broke it off with Henry, and Juliet doesn’t hate her anymore. The doctor is VERY impressed, and Bridget is all puppy-who-got-patted-on-the-head (p.s. I really like SMG’s eyeshadow in this scene – it’s silvery but not SILVER).

The doc asks what brings her back to therapy if things are so great. What felt different for her this morning? Bridget pretends to think, and then she really thinks, and she realizes what felt different – THE ANDREW KISSES.

“Oh my god. I’m falling in love with Andrew,” she blurts out, before adding “all over again.” (I think this is supposed to be her remembering to play Siobhan, but wouldn’t Siobhan’s therapist know that she didn’t love Andrew when they got married? She knew about the affair with Henry. Eh.)

In another part of town, Olivia tries to convince Andrew to hit up Henry’s father-in-law in his time of weakness, but Andrew refuses. She warns him that investors are pulling out and they have to cover their losses. It’s unclear here how much Andrew knows about the potentially shady dealings of Olivia and the firm.

We cut back to Bridget in full high-school-swoon mode on the therapist’s couch. She’s been swooning for over an hour, and as the doc calls time she realizes she doesn’t have any of the intel she came for. She asks about a refill but the doc says no, and that she didn’t prescribe the anti-depressants for depression anyway. Bridge is all “arroo?” but is ushered out.

“Charlie’s” apartment: Malcolm notices mouthwash in the bathroom. He asks Charlie to get rid of it and Charlie does immediately, blaming an ex-gf, but is Malcolm getting suspicious? It’s hard to tell with this actor.

Yes, suspicious! He calls Bridget and lets her know something’s not right – Charlie only has four pairs of socks and underwear, and the batteries in his remote are still shrink-wrapped! But he’s supposedly lived here 4 months!

Bridget isn’t ready to accept that Charlie isn’t what he seems and then she has to hang up on Malcolm to go smooth-talk her way back into the doctor’s office, where she finds Siobhan’s file and steals notes from their last session. But it’s not a clean getaway and the doc is PISSED and almost calls security but Bridget gets out of it by blathering on about how she just didn’t want their session to end. Whew!

The notes from Siobhan’s last session (why not take the whole contents of the file, girl?) tell us the meds were for paranoia, because Siobhan thinks she had a stalker and feared for her safety (oh yeah, hey, what DID happen with that bald guy? what’s he been up to?). The last line of notes reads that Siobhan thinks “she found answer at Gramercy Cathedral”. Is it just me or is that incredibly not at ALL like something someone would say to their therapist? “I think I may have found the answer at Gramercy Cathedral!” And then did the doc just not ask for clarification? “What do you mea – oh well, time’s up!”

Bridget and Andrew are getting lunch and staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. Andrew asks her a flirt-y hypothetical about if he did the right thing but lost everything for it – the loft, the Hamptons, the sushi – would Bridget stand with him? (Sidebar: So I pretty much thought Ioan Gruffudd was sex on legs as Horatio Hornblower, but he’s not doing it for my ladyparts in the same way on this show and I’m not sure why. Is it his weirdly square hairline? Can a hairline have that much power? I’m definitely in Andrew’s corner, but nothing is fluttery in my nethers in this scene. Disappointing.) So Andrew is not totally in the dark about the shadiness of his firm and partner?


Seriously, why is he hotter here? Is it the curls? The sword?

Bridget gazes lovingly at him and promises to stand by her man, finishing with that trademark SMG/Buffy lip purse thing that she does when she’s acting in love. She also gives this awkard “geuh” flirt-laugh to end the scene. No more of that, SMG. Don’t ruin this good thing we have with Andrew.

Charlie comes home! Malcolm decides to confront him? NO, he faux-apologizes, they fake-smile at each other, and Malcolm searches Charlie’s jacket when he’s in the shower. Nothing in the wallet, and I mean nothing – no ID, no cards, nothing. Just a little key with an address on it. It’s a post-office box key! Malcolm checks it out and finds an envelope with the name John Delario on it. He takes it.

Meanwhile, Bridget goes to church. Except it’s not a church, it’s a bar! And Charlie is there, telling the barkeep to hit him because it’s been 5 days since he’s had a drink and boy is he THIRSTY. Bridget watches in horror from behind an angel statue. Seems Charlie is named John and is a regular at this here watering hole. (Bridget gets this info partly by asking a staff dude the totally normal question, “Have you ever seen him here with me?”)

John/Charlie and Siobhan are having their cross-Atlantic check-in: we find out John paid FBI Jimmy to convince Bridget to run to Siobhan. Apparently to be killed in Siobhan’s place … by someone who has now stopped trying to kill her? And who disposes of bodies in trunks? John reminds her that he still has Gemma and Malcolm on his hands. Why was Gemma attacked? We don’t know. What is Siobhan’s endgame? We don’t know. We do know by the way they’re talking to each other that John and Siobhan aren’t besties.

Andrew has made a decision about Henry’s father-in-law, Arbogast. He’s okay with losing their chance with him because his wife has changed his mind. Olivia mutters “Siobhan” like she’s got a black curly mustache and is figuring on how fast she can get to the nearest train track. Andrew says, “I guess I want to be the man she thinks I am.” As Alanis would say, IRONIC.

So Olivia is pissed and scheming. She tears up the form Henry signed to pull his money from their firm. Henry’s money is going nowhere!

Bridget and Malcolm consult about John/Charlie. She thinks she’s maybe solving the mystery of who Siobhan was scared of, and vows to get the gun back. Malcolm says he’s going to check out John’s OTHER address, the one listed on the letter he took from his P.O. box.

Olivia is at Henry’s, getting him to sign a “missed page” of the form. Even the way she purrs “You missed a page” is suspicious, but Henry is too distracted and drinking to notice. Papers signed, she pours her faux heart out about how Andrew has “lost his killer instinct since he and Siobhan have decided to stop hating each other.” Henry gulps his drink and steps out of the room to check on the twins. Olivia lunges for his phone and finds – oho!! – a photo of him and Siobhan looking lovey. Either Henry had Olivia’s work addy in his phone or she is the world’s fastest typist, but she gets it emailed it to herself before Henry gets back. DUN DUN DUN. Dramatic shot of phone on table!!

Bridget is meeting “Charlie” in a strange oversized sweater/necklace combo. He starts spinning bullshit about the Gemma investigation, but she’s no longer listening. He notices she’s zoning out and she recovers with fake gratitude about all he’s done for her. They fake smile at each other.



I think it’s just that the sweater is too big, right?

Malcolm is breaking into John’s house! Good teamwork, you two! Malcolm has officially become less boring. He searches upstairs while Gemma in the basement tries to figure out if he’s John or the cavalry. 

Bridget is trying to work around to getting the gun back from Charlie (“I never should have gotten you involved…”) and finally she just flat out says she wants it back because she doesn’t feel safe anymore, what with Gemma’s disappearance and all. Charlie gets a little icier, but says he’s having the number filed off and can get it back the next day. She tries to stall him, but he’s got somewhere to be…

Malcolm is trying to get the basement door open! He sees a set of keys on the counter, and Bridget gives him 30 more seconds by calling Charlie back and saying thank you all over again. They fake smile at each other some more and then he leaves. Gemma tips herself over trying to make a little help-me noise, but Bridget warns Malcolm that Charlie’s on his way and he leaves without getting the door open.

Charlie calls Siobhan and says “she’s on to me” – and we see that he had the gun the whole time.

Next: mid-season finale with Amber Benson! I have a feeling Gemma’s gonna be in that basement until after the mid-season break…

— E. Clark

Episode 7, “Oh Gawd, There’s Two of Them?”

I’m just gonna toss out some random thoughts about episode 7 instead of a real recap, since I didn’t know I’d be recapping this show and I don’t have time to rewatch it.

First of all, I want to see Andrew and Bridget get it on. The kiss this ep was a good start, but I need some clothes to come off. Cockblocked by Juliet!

Speaking of Juliet – Juliet looking like she’s in her twenties and Logan Echolls looking like he’s in his twenties weirds me out. I know we’re gonna get some inappropriate storyline about them and it won’t look inappropriate because they look the same age and I DISAGREE. I taught high school as a 22- and 23-yr-old and had 17- and 18-year-old students and my stance is GROSS NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I know he’s not being a scumbag right now, but this is not heading good places. His character should just be called Mr. INAPPROPE-SHE’S-A-STUDENT (it’s hyphenated because his mom kept her maiden name). Logan needs a reason to be all up in SMG’s storylines. And to maybe get dangerous, instead of goody-two-shoes-y. Basically, he needs to be Logan.

Malcolm is still boring. I mean, I feel bad for him, but I DON’T CARE about his storyline.

Henry’s newly-rediscovered love for his wife (cry me a river, dude) takes one problem off Bridget’s hands at least: she doesn’t have to keep breaking up with him over and over.

Do we think that Gemma is dead-dead, or only soap-opera dead? I say soap-opera dead. I haven’t seen a body. Maybe Thuggy Sponsor is holding her somewhere? (Yeah, totally didn’t buy his “just moved from a meeting in Queens” story last ep.)

Soooo… WHY did Siobhan want Gemma out of the way? Because she knew “Siobhan” was actually Bridget? And how would Siobhan know that Gemma knew that? It’s unclear.

We end with the ultrasound of DOOM… good cliffhanger, writers!

Episode 8, “Maybe We Can Get a Dog Instead”

This is a show about two sisters “who share the same Face.” Why is “face” capitalized here? And why does it sound like they literally have one face between them and have to take turns wearing it, like some kind of cousin to that princess in Return to Oz who kept a room full of heads or those Greek sisters who had to share an eyeball and a tooth between the three of them?

The creepy Princess Mombi

Opening montage: Bridget yelling “Siobhan!!” on the boat — can we talk for a second about how the entire setup is an homage to the FABULOUS Bette Davis-plays-twins movie A Stolen Life?? Right down to the obviously green-screened boat backdrop and the fakey fake wind in their hair. God, Bette Davis was awesome. If you haven’t seen A Stolen Life, go ahead and do that — bad twin steals boy from good twin, twins get into boating accident, bad twin drowns but leaves wedding ring behind, good twin pretends to be bad twin so she can get the boy back, but (dun dun DUN) she finds out that bad twin’s marriage to boy is about to end in divorce due to bad twin’s affair!! Boy can barely look at her anymore and now she can’t come clean because how could she explain stealing her sister’s identity!! SEE the homage, folks? I love it.

Bette Davis plays twins better than anyone.

We open this week on … the ULTRASOUND OF DOOM!! Andrew looks on dotingly. The doctor breaks the news: “I don’t see a baby.” (Wait, what? But you just said it would be the size of a bean. How is that a baby?) Bridget covers her empty uterus with a story about having some spotting last week and how she thought that was normal.

Andrew is saying “my wife” a lot during this conversation. “My wife my wife my wife” – dood, she has a name.

Okay, Andrew and Bridget are back home and sitting on a bed! Let’s get it oooooo —- and we’re cockblocked by Juliet bringing Bridget tea. DAMMIT JULIET.

Aw, I like it when they’re a family. Juliet is being super-sweet and sympathetic in her modest 50’s-daughter holiday sweater.

Malcolm is at a motor inn instead of AT THE POLICE OR THE FBI where he should be. DUDE you can testify against the mobster now! He kidnapped and tortured you! He tells Bridget not to worry, that he totally shook off the mobster who’s looking for her. “He didn’t follow me. I was careful.” Malcolm, you’re cute but you’re dumb. This is a night-time soap opera. OF COURSE he followed you.

Bridget rejects him. He leaves in a huff. He’s out of the picture now, right? We can stop with his storyline? Please? ‘Cause it is not less boring right now.

Logan is teaching class! Juliet gets more flack from Bitchy McResentful sitting behind her. Juliet still looks older than her teacher. She stays behind in class to bring up her revoked trust fund and her stepmother’s miscarriage. Awkward dialogue, writers. Who would actually say these words? She invites him out to a movie, then invites herself over to his place. Logan SHUTS THAT DOWN. Yay Logan! Juliet prisses out.

Andrew is taking charge at the office. His untrustworthy partner actually looks genuinely sorry about the miscarriage for about 2.7 seconds and then says he should go home and be with Siobhan. SO YOU WON’T NOTICE HER COOKING THE BOOKS, ANDREW. She’s a Madoff in a tight teal dress (I do love this color though).

Thuggy Sponsor is reporting to Bridget about Gemma’s car – but she flashes back to meeting Malcolm on her first day in NA. They chat and he busts out with, “Listen, Bridget, I see a lot of myself in you.”

OKAY YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT THE WRITERS DID NOT DO THAT ON PURPOSE. *lolsnort* Well-played, writers.

Bridget is torn between her new family and Malcolm, and she still trusts Thuggy Sponsor for some reason. “I like what we have”? What is that you have, Bridget? Meanwhile, Thuggy is updating Siobhan in her golddug hotel room, as she plays up the femme-fatale with Tyler-in-a-towel (although there is a photo of Henry in her bedside drawer for her to look momentarily sad over).

Tyler gets call from Andrew Martin. WHAT A SMALL WORLD. Andrew has just fired some bigwig, and offers Tyler the job as head of their European operations. Aw snap, Tyler’s headed to NEW YORK to meet the boss. WHERE ANDREW’S WIFE WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE THE CORA TYLER SPENT THE LAST TWO WEEKS BONING IN PARIS IS. LOVE. THIS. SHOW right now.

Henry comes over to see Bridget, sad and a little snarky about the “miscarriage.” Also, SMG is wearing some kind of Christmas ornament/doorknocker set as earrings. And her hair is not at its best — which is hard to do when you’re SMG. They both agree that now it really is over.

Go back to this sci-fi/retro look, SMG.

Malcolm is high and watching infomercials in his motel room. He gets arrested by the NYPD and is brought to Agent Machado. Why is Agent Machado acting like Malcolm just got irresponsible and fell off the wagon? Didn’t he JUST get a search warrant to search the strip club because he knew Bodaway was holding Malcolm and torturing him for info? Maybe a less confrontational, less condescending approach might be more fruitful here, Machado? Like, “thank god we found you Malcolm! are you all right? we tried to get you away from mobster, and now we’ll get you into a detox program stat!”

Okay, here we go. Here’s the explanation. They’re gonna just drop the whole ‘Malcolm can testify against Bodaway’ angle because he’s an addict and who would believe him?? BRIDGET WAS ALSO AN ADDICT when she witnessed the murder. She dried out, so can Malcolm — and Malcolm has a history of upstanding sponsor-y behavior that folks can testify to! This is some bullshit logic, y’all. But no, Machado is obsessed with getting Bridget back.

Malcolm stonewalls Machado. Machado guilts Malcolm. He then lets him go without charging him. OR OFFERING HIM DETOX. Because Malcolm’s going to lead him to Bridget. Machado is on my shit list, naturally eyeliner’d waterline be damned.

Juliet and Bridget try bonding on the couch about school and the miscarriage. Andrew is eavesdropping, getting all warm inside about how nice they’re being to each other. Juliet asks, “You think you and Daddy are going to try again?” Bridget: “I don’t think so.” Andrew’s crest falls. COME ON BRIDGET. HIT THAT. UGH. It’s gonna take forever to get these two knockin’ boots.

So Andrew’s cornflakes have been pissed in. He snips to Bridget that he overheard what she said to Juliet about going back to the way things were. Andrew is communicating his feelings! Mama’s so proud. He wants to know where they stand now that there’s no baby to look forward to, but Bridget’s phone is ringing – it’s Malcolm. THE SYMBOLISM YOU GUYS. Andrew rushes off to work. Bridget wants to talk later, but Andrew isn’t going to be won over by Bridget’s polka dot blouse and blonde flyaways this morning, thank you very much. He has a business dinner later.

Wow, Bridget-as-Siobhan is being honest with Agent Machado! She tells him she’s going to meet Malcolm. Machado suddenly appears from behind a pillar in her lobby like some kind of happy gopher and suggests that she wear a wire to her meeting with Malcolm as if he’s suggesting a little sushi and miniature golf. He’s getting grosser by the minute. He blackmails her into doing it by telling her he knows about her affair with Henry.

Malcolm is tweaking and weirded out by Bridget acting like Siobhan at the cafe. But Bridget is actually REALLY SMART Y’ALL. She gets the waiter to bring a secret note that lets Malcolm know she’s wearing a wire. They play a little scene for Machado and both act dumb. “Do YOU know where Bridget is?” “WHY NO, I have NO IDEA. Do YOU?” Machado has no idea they’re pulling the wool and just gets all frustrated that he’s not getting intel he can use. Hee. (Although, how could she tell the waiter to bring over the note while wearing a wire? Eh, I don’t care.)

Back in the van, Bridget throws the wire in Machado’s face and acts freaked out by him not warning her that Malcolm was an addict but ALSO ALSO reams him for not getting Malcolm help like he did Bridget. I really enjoy her right now. GOOD TWIN POWER GO! (Hm. I’m gonna have to come up with some kind of slogan for her.) Is that a look of guilt on Machado’s face? Hard to say, but I kind of think not. Dick.

She runs after Malcolm: he’s angry at her for pretending to be Siobhan, she’s angry at him for using again. Malcolm is in denial about being able to beat this: he just needs to wean himself, he can totally handle it, he doesn’t need her to remind him of the steps and act all sponsor-y. And she’s not being honest about who she is, so he’s out.

Meanwhile, Juliet confronts Logan/Mr. C about him transferring her out of his class. WAY TO GO LOGAN. Draw those boundaries, baby. I love it. I mean, I know they’re going to end up in some icky situation anyway (probably during sweeps week), but I like seeing him “you’re a good kid” her (oh, that kiss of adolescent-crush death!). 30-year-old Juliet looks uncertain and sad.

ANDREW AND TYLER ARE OPENING MENUS ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER. OH MY LORD THIS IS THE BUSINESS DINNER THAT ‘SIOBHAN’ MIGHT CRASH! I CAN’T BREATHE Y’ALL. Small talk, chuckle chuckle, French women, high maintenance, my girlfriend’s aweso – OH AND LOOK WHO’S HERE. Andrew is all touched and breathless and Tyler looks like he’s seen a goddamn ghost. YES I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

“Siobhan” is being cluelessly charming and Tyler totally leans in for a snotty little “sleeping with the boss’ wife” remark while Andrew is busy talking to the waiter. Bridget is all “huh?”

After dinner, Andrew and Bridget look lovingly at each other in their limo. “No more games.” Oh, y’all, I really love them. I’m not looking forward to when Andrew finds out that he’s been lied to all this time. His little British heart will break and his cereal-box head will look confused and sad.

Tyler calls Siobhan in Paris and is all “you played me for a chump, so you can kiss your hotel room and my abs good-bye.” He hangs up and Siobhan puts on her think-y face. Still not sure what her plan with him was about.

Andrew and Bridget (in a glittery black dress and really gorgeous hair — yes, better!) meet a desperate Malcolm in the lobby of their building. Malcolm asks for help getting clean, and Siobhan introduces him to Andrew. Siobhan wants to put him up on the couch for the night — and Andrew totally supports that! Andrew and Bridget gaze into each other’s eyes, tentatively hold hands … and then retreat to the bedroom for a little hide-the-pickle!! Okay, that last part isn’t true – instead, Bridget brings a towel for Malcolm and they say good night. She’s always gonna be here for him. Besties again. (Sidebar: I like the ‘friends’ vibe here because I want Bridget and Andrew to live happily ever after, but would Malcolm maybe have a little more anger and resentment over Bridget not being in love with him after all he went through to protect her? No? He’s just going to be selfless and adoring? Okay then. How many boys are orbiting the twins now? We’re up to four lovers, two potential murderers, and an FBI agent. I need to Venn diagram this.)

Morning! Tinkly happy music. Juliet is stalking Logan/Mr. C. by crashing his sign language club. He’s a little taken aback and thinks she’s got her bad idea jeans on, but doesn’t kick her out. (Dudes, she looks so old.) Same music: Bridget is walking Malcolm down a hall — for about 3 seconds, I think she’s delivering him to a rehab program and we can stop following his storyline for a half dozen eps or so, but the door opens and … IT’S THUGGY SPONSOR!! She’s delivering him to exactly the wrong person!! You can see him think, “Damn, I told Siobhan I didn’t want to kill anyone else” as he closes the door.

And credits! Good show this week, y’all. Not as cliffhanger-y as the last couple of endings, but that dinner scene totally makes up for it. I appreciate that this show is not stretching some of the reveals out forever: it sets you up and then just brings. it. on.

— E. Clark

Amy Bryant, September 12, 2011

Remember on 90210 when Branden and Dillon both wanted to go out with Kelly, and she was conflicted because she had feelings for both of them? But she had to decide, and so finally she uttered one of the dumbest lines ever written for television: “I choose me.” Which means she dumped both of them and … I don’t know, dated a few other people and then Branden again and then Dillon came back to town and then oh God True Blood writers, why, why, why would you rehash a 90210 plot? At least Bill and Eric wore identical bathrobes while Sookie broke up with them. I wish Branden and Dillon had done that.

In the first scene, in the most obvious foreshadowing ever, Sookie and Tara talked about sitting on the porch together when they’re old, holding their “grandbabies” and watching the sunset. I think it would have been better if Debbie Pelt had burst in right then and there and shot Tara to death, but we had to wait until the last scene for that.

Best character development this season: Jessica! I can’t wait to watch her next season now that she’s all at home with her bad self.

Worst character development this season: Marnie! Turning into a sociopath because she’s shy or insecure or something, not that we’ve ever seen any evidence of this.

Oh, and Jesus died. The True Blood makeup people must be relieved.

Personal highlight of the season finale: “I’m so sick of Sookie’s precious fairy vagina.” Me too, Pam, me too. But I can’t wait until next season. I hope Sookie goes out with my boyfriend Alcide so I can watch that. But maybe she won’t, because she shot his ex girlfriend, and as we all remember from high school that can be totally awkward. Or maybe Sookie can go out with Eric, Bill, and Alcide. And Sam — I feel like there’s some chemistry there. Hoyt’s available now and far from unattractive; he could give her “grandbabies” and watch sunsets with her.

Obviously, I should be writing for this show.

Amy Bryant, September 6, 2011

I don’t think of myself as some sort of monogamy pusher — it takes all kinds — but all these individual, loving looks that Sookie exchanges with Bill, and then Eric, and then Bill, and then Eric, are not working for me. Please. Pick. One.

Eric and Bill seem ready to make a buddy action movie together. This is not a movie I would pay to see.

Employee of the week: Chris Bauer rules. I hope this whole Andy Bellefleur-with-a-beautiful-fairy-in-the-woods subplot is leading to a spinoff of some kind.

Surprise, Marcus is dead. Next week, in the predictable finale, my boyfriend Alcide will become packmaster of the Shrieveport werewolves. Hi, Alcide!

Other things I predict will happen in next week’s series finale: Debbie Pelt will try to kill my boyfriend Alicide, or maybe Sookie, or maybe just a bunch of random people because she’s a crazy redneck, and she’ll die as a result. Because of this my boyfriend Alcide will be even more troubled and distant, which means he’s going to get EVEN MORE APPEALING. I also think it’s going to be a full moon, and Jason is going to change into a panther, and Crystal is going to come after him, and Jessica is going to rescue Jason. Again. Jason seems like the type who wouldn’t like the woman he loves rescuing him all the time — maybe that will be their trouble next season.

Other people who could die next week: Hoyt, so that Jessica and Jason can feel terrible about how they love each other and he’s not even alive to hate them for it; Tara, because they just don’t know what to do with her anymore; and Jesus, so that Lafayette can go back to sleeping around.

Okay, fine, I’ll say something about Marnie: She’s ridiculous. This character was never developed at all, and on the penultimate episode we learn that the thing that’s motivating her to act crazy and evil is that she’s always felt insecure or less than others or ignored or something. Weak, weak, weak. Maybe next season a character we actually know or give a shit about can be evil … like Tara! It can be like Buffy season six when Willow turned bad. Think about it, writers.

By RG, September 5, 2011

• Best line of the episode goes to Lafayette for: Marnie just “puked a bitch out.”

• Marnie’s binding spell with Antonia was pretty funny. First Antonia looked like she was being electrocuted, then Marnie swallowed her whole, and patted her stomach for the grand finale. I guess ghosts are filling.

• When Eric and Bill realized Sookie was inside and they couldn’t launch a Marnie Missile at the place - the“Fucking Sookie” quartet was born – starring Eric, Bill, Pam and Jason. Except Jason’s was more, “Fucking Sookie?” And then he proceeded to rip into each of them in a great way. My personal favorite was when he reminded Bill that he used Sookie as his own personal water fountain, or rather blood fountain, for about a year. Good point Jason, you are suddenly smarter this season. And the progression showing Jason and Sookie standing up for each other is great.

• “I don’t even think about you, Jason.” – Jessica. Liar liar, your vamp pants are on fire Jessica. Jason and Jessica are hella cute. I used to like Hoyt and Jessica a lot, but Jason and Jessica have a sort of deeper appeal at this point. Will be interesting to see Hoyt’s reaction to them. Pretty sure they will have him walk in on them in the finale.

• Side note: Bill’s lipstick was extra pink in the episode. Pretty but too pink.

• Marcus and Debbie seem to have become a full blown couple in the blink of an eye. Huh?

• Marcus was super mean to his daughter in the previous episode, to the point that she ran behind her mother to hide from him. Now Marcus is suddenly being nice to her, and she doesn’t seem as scared of him - confused.

• When Bill yelled to Marnonia from outside, Sookie seemed to like the sound of Bill’s voice. That’s fine, I suppose, I like the sound of his voice too. And his haircut. But again, Team Eric and Sookie. I don’t really buy into the whole Sookie is torn between the two of them, seems a little contrived. Again, I think it should take more than a season for Sookie to trust Bill again.

• When both Bill and Eric agreed to Marnonia’s “Kill Yourselves and I will free Sookie” deal, Sookie was justifiably very upset.  Her love triangle was about to be a party of 1.  And that’s no fun for Sookster.

• Best move of the night goes to Big Pam for whipping out that inexplicably large gun. Eric did not think that was the best move though. Sucks for Pam. Eric’s real mad. What happens when your maker is mad at you? Me thinks Pam will be taught a lesson by Eric. I seem to recall in the books she got into trouble with Eric and was subjected to some sort of torture.

• “Nothing’s happening Alcide, I just invited him over to have tea in my underwear.” That Debbie. She’s funny. When Sam and Alcide rushed in to find Marcus and Debbie in Alcide’s bedroom, Debbie actually said, “Nothing happened, it’s not what you think.” Right.

• Marcus is very well built, that shirt really worked for him. Last week I found him reprehensible, this week I find him reprehensible but extremely attractive.  But he’s dead now. Oh well.

• Magic is better in Spanish. This was the fleeting moment in which I found Jesus interesting. 

• Holy shit Jason got burned! Burned bad. He got super charred when Pam’s Big Gun met Marnonia’s Sun fence. Poor guy. Good thing Jessica was there with her super vamp blood.

• Note to Andy: When a hot girl appears out of thin air and gets on top of you, the last thing you ask is, “Who are you and why are you on top of me?”

• Plus I can answer that for you Andy. That chick is ET…. And you’re about to call home. Or about to make love to ET.

• I wonder if she is a fairy, sent in the place of Claudine? I don’t really get what happened to the whole fairy land, Sookie blew it up right? In the beginning of the season?

• Alcide seriously broke up with Debbie. That’s the ultimate three tier dumping, no hunting, no flesh, and no something else. If I were Debbie, I would put my pants on and run. Or… just run. No pants. Because he looks very very very angry.

• As for the witch-off, it wasn’t all that interesting, Marnonia looked into a blood puddle window where she saw the vampires outside. Then Jesus became an alpha cutter. Then everyone held hands and looked pretty stressed out about it – couldn’t they just have stopped holding hands?

• Meanwhile outside, the vamps started necrodancing or whatever, walking towards the fire fence. Jason tried to stop them which was cute. But useless.

• And then Marnonia got super pissed at Sookie’s magic light up jazz hands, and put her in a ring of fire.

• My question:  Couldn’t Sookie just channel her fairy hand into a fire extinguisher…?

• In case there was any doubt, Eric is definitely in love with Sookie. He basically exiled Pam. Nicely done Eric, that’s hot. Pam. Good luck. Next season should be interesting.

• Jesus’s demon face was funny. Not scary. It looked like he bought it at Target’s Halloween sale to wear to a Mardi Gras parade.

• Hottest/Grossest moment: Eric ripping that guy’s heart out and then drinking from it like it was a soda.  Who knew that a heart, when unattached from the body, is so convenient to drink from. Far less messy too with that built in straw- artery whatever.  He still looked hot. Very gross and very hot.

• “Even without your blood in me, you are all I think about.” Great line Jason. Well played. Jessica and Jason, there’s no going back now. Poor Hoyt.

• Great twist at the end- Marnie inhabiting Lafayette. Maybe this will make Jesus and Lafayette’s storyline more interesting. Also, it’s way too easy for Lafayette to be taken over. I get he’s a medium, but still there should be some way that he can protect himself from that. Like a condomedium.

• Jesus is going to die. I can tell.

Funny Moments

Andy explaining how good he was at sex to Arlene, classic.

High five b/t Marnonia and happy Bearded guy.

• Finale promo:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-2HQRUX3YM
• Guess who’s popping up in the True Blood finale for a little cameo turned recurring role next season?

That’s right: Felicity’s “Noel”

Til Next week’s finale….

Burning Down the House

By Reshma, August 30, 2011

• I am behind on blogging about 3 episodes… so this is going to be a trifecta blog entry. What does that mean? I don’t know. Tri means 3. So there’s your first clue. Really it’s because I can’t remember which episode each plot point I’m writing about is from.

• I’m glad Eric’s back. I’m ready for badass Eric mixed in with the part of Eric that is all about Sookie. But cheesy Eric can hit the road. Eric and Sookie’s snow bed conversation in particular comes to mind as excruciatingly cheesy. Is it me, or had Eric and Sookie been in bed for the last 3 weeks straight? 

• Oh in the episode before last, Eric drinking from Sookie was hot. But not as hot as the original – that’s right Buffy and Angel wrote the goddamn book on this. Click here. (ps it’s in German, only link I could find, but it won’t matter, trust me. Also if you haven’t watched Buffy, stop whatever you are doing and go and start it now. Leave work if you have to).

• What was that painful 80s heart shirt Sookie was wearing throughout the episode?! Seriously Sookster, that’s barfster. Eric needed to rip that shit off.

• Jess and Jason- I can’t help it. I like them. The back of a truck. I kind of wish they had waited a bit before hooking those two up.

• Ha Jason wanted Jess to give him a post-coital roofie. Essentially. Jess didn’t take to kindly too Jason wanting to forget what had just happened.

• Hoyt. Hoyt. Hoyt. I just like typing that name. And saying it outloud as I type it. Feel free to try this game at home. Also, note to all the ladies out there, don’t break up with Hoyt, he’s a mean ex. I loved how Jason crossed out “Monster’s stuff.”

• Hoyt is moving in to Jason’s place to cock block. Every triangle has a cockblocker, and Hoyt is this one’s.

• Sam Trammell, the actor who plays Sam, gets the award for playing Tommy playing Sam, simply because of the swagger, limp, walk thing he did when “Sam” walked into Marcus’s bike shop. Amazing.

• Alcide’s hot. I wouldn’t mind if Sookie and Alcide hooked up, or at least did it. Although I’m Team Eric/Sookie, Eric will inevitably piss her off soon, esp with his real personality back. And when that happens she has my permission to get down with the Wolf. 

• Tommy’s blood gurgling reminded me of the dentist suction tool. See ya Tommy. Don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good Lord split ya’.

• I don’t think Tommy is dead. He is like a cat. That little skin walking shifting Sam hating/Sam loving sissy is not gone. He might not be back this season, but I am pretty sure we’ll see him again.

• Debbie…. So D’s back on V. Alcide will not like that.  But he kind of is responsible for being all, “Sookie is not an issue, uh be right back, gotta go save her.”

• Why did Alcide take Debbie back again? Has he looked in the mirror? He’s not a vampire, he can see his reflection. He must be aware of his hotness and Debbie’s notness. (Sidenote: Debbie’s personality is what sucks. She was actually looking pretty cute in this episode esp in scene above).

• Marnie and Antonia’s personalities keep switching. One minute Antonia is all cray cray, then Marnie is. Antonia wanted out of the whole Kill Bill plan. But Marnie convinced her to continue. Hmmm. Jesus went through a very electric fence, ouch.

• I sort of want Antonia and Jesus to get together. I know, I know, not possible. She’s dead as a doornail. And he’s gay. But still.

• D on V cheats on Alcide. That rhymes. Marcus and Debbie sitting on a couch… k-i-s-s-I don’t care. Two characters I don’t like about to do it on a couch. Please don’t show that love scene. Ever. No need. Though, I do like that they both are pretty unhinged, and that will cause problems for Sam, Alcide, Sookster, and pretty much everyone. 

• Speaking of, the real Sam and Luna’s first love scene was all shadowy and silhouettey through a tent. I think they deserved a bit more than that. I love Eric and Sookie, but their naked asses need a god damn break. And also wouldn’t having sex in the snow be cold? For at least Sookie. She is human. Granted her hand lights up, but she’s 93% human. And humans get cold whilst naked in the snow. (I will take any opportunity to use the word “whilst.” Even if it doesn’t make sense. Think about that, whilst I continue on to my next thought).

• Terry’s bootcamp to detox Andy was sweet. And I find Terry sort of attractive. Okay drop the sort of, he’s attractive. Andy was funny saying you lived in that tree house like a crazy squirrel.  I also liked their “mama-loved-me-more-a-thon.” I’m ready for Andy to be off V…. he needs to go date that blondy witchy waitress. 

• Sookie telling Eric she loves him and Bill…. Hmmmm. Sorry I prefer the book version. In the books, Sookie took more than a season to forgive Bill. In fact, she really still hasn’t and it’s been about 5 books and counting. But this does keep the triangle going, and it will be interesting to see Sookie and Eric’s dynamic now that they have the blood bond, they both love each other, and his memory is back. Sookie claims she thinks now that he’s back to normal, he’s different. But she forgave Bill in two seconds. So I’m pretty sure, Sookie and Eric’s naked asses will be dancing across the screen once again.

• They need to hook Bill up with someone else for a while… where’d his randy great great great grand daughter go? She’s cute and clearly their familial relationship didn’t deter her from wanting him… oh yeah he glamoured her. Well done Bill. Why didn’t he just glamour himself to make him forget they’re related. Problem solved. 

• How would a vampire glamour himself? He can’t look in a mirror. Crap. My Bill-Glamours-himself-plan is rapidly falling apart.

• Bill, Jessica, Eric and Pam’s X-men ending – the four of them getting out of the van dressed in black leather super suits was a bit campy but this quad dynamic will be interesting…

• Jessica might be my favorite character this season.

• Is Jason really not becoming a panther? Come on True Blood… don’t drop the ball on that…

• Sookie and Jason look very blond in this photo. Their dynamic this season is much more entertaining and interesting than the past. 

• Oh snap, where did Sookie go? Marntonia zapped her ass into thin air. Perhaps that should be a lesson to all, don’t have sex in the snow. A witch will eviscerate you. (Or you’ll get frostbite on your … you know).

Trifecta Blog Thus Endeth. 

By Amy Bryant, August 29, 2011

• Sookie loves Eric AND Bill. Really. Truly. Completely. I’m not that up for this storyline.
• Tommy died. I didn’t see that coming. What I do see coming is Marcus dying, and Alcide becoming the new pack master. Hi, Alcide!
• Sookie restored Eric’s memory, but not his personality. He’s still spending the majority of his time hanging around, offering up penetrating stares.
• The best scenes were, as usual, those that included Bellefleurs. Jason and Hoyt are being very entertaining this season also.
• Remember how several episodes ago Tommy-pretending-to-be-Sam fired Sookie from Merlottes? I find this plot point distracting. Isn’t she worried about paying her bills? Does she have time to look for another job during the day, when the two men she loves are in the ground? What if she has to get a job at Fangtasia? Has she even tried to call Sam? Maybe when both your boyfriends are rich you don’t worry about these things so much.
• Employee of the week: Marshall Allman, for pulling off a believable death rattle. You don’t usually see that on TV; on TV, major characters usually die looking attractive and peaceful. Tommy did not die looking attractive and peaceful.
• I loved the cliffhanger ending with all our vampire friends gearing up to storm the witch store. How cool does Jessica look in her warrior outfit?

By Amy Bryant

August 27, 2011

Thanks to Hurricane Irene my beach vacation was cut short. Now I’m back in Brooklyn, catching up on True Blood until the power goes out or the rains and winds of Irene wipe all of humanity from the earth or whatever. I would rather be vacationing on the beach than riding out a hurricane watching television, but at least this was the best episode all season.

• No Pam this week, but we did get Nan Flanagan from the American Vampire League, having hilarious arguments with Bill and yawning over Jessica’s boy problems
• Speaking of Jessica, Hoyt put all of Jessica’s things in a (monster) box. We’ve all been there. And then he sent his best friend over to Jessica’s to drop off the box and have sex with her in the back of his truck. Not all of us have been there.
• Every single thing that Andy Bellefleur says and does is funny and awesome.
•  I’m tired of Eric the puppet.
•  I have a weird, unhealthy crush on Marcus. I’m not proud of it.
•  Employee of the Week: Nelsan Ellis, for taking Lafayette from the most boring character of the season to the coolest character of the season in a single episode. I knew he had it in him. Welcome back, Lafayette, I’ve missed you. Even Jesus stopped being lame. 

By Amy Bryant, August 15, 2011

• Sookie and Eric continue to lie around naked talking about how in love they are. This is the only thing they’ve been doing for the last three episodes. This week they added showering and snow hallucinations, but it’s still same thing, different episode. I’m not blind so I’m not complaining, but I’m looking forward to Eric getting his memory back along with an actual plot.
• Jessica got thrown out of not one, but two guys’ houses. Her storyline reminds me of my early twenties.
• Andy almost ate vampire remains so he could catch a buzz. Gross. This also reminds me of my early twenties.
• Employee of the week:  Stephen Moyer, because his wife spends most of her time at work lying around naked with Alexander Skarsgard. It’s probably no big deal, though. She probably doesn’t even think he’s hot or anything.
• How funny was Tommy as Maxine Fortenberry? I bet every actor on the show is dying to play Tommy-playing-them.
• Lafayette is possessed by some ghost and stole Arlene’s baby blah blah blah.
• Debbie Pelt is such a perfect psycho girlfriend. I can’t wait to watch her go apeshit on Sookie.
• It turns out Alcide’s metalhead packmaster is the ex husband of Sam’s new girlfriend. When he stormed into her house, references were made to his parole officer. This is going to get good.

• “Resurrection” – Bill’s line summed up this episode. Also he was really hot when he said that. Or maybe it’s just a hot word in general. Overall, Bill is seriously much more attractive this season. Maybe it’s his hair cut.

• Lafayette/Jesus/Grandpa Jesus story – sorry don’t care

• I liked that Katee traitor turned guard- sad her neck broke.

• Debbie Pelt - cast perfectly. Can’t stand her. Also, has Alcide looked in the mirror, he’s super hot. She’s super not.

• Eric and Sookie – still having sex, which was good because the scene in the previous episode was way too short. I personally liked his naked ass flying through the door. You don’t see enough flying asses on television. Or in real life for that matter.

• You know who would rather not see Eric’s naked ass? Alcide.  He was “jea” with a side of “lous.”

• Tara bores me. I like her lady friend. But their story, not so interesting because of Tara’s inherent boringness.

• It’s gross how vampires die in this show. Too much to clean up. I prefer how they died in Buffy, all you needed was a broom, and you’d probably just have sneezed a bit. But this…. Ugh, it’s like a placenta bubble exploding.

• Jason/Jessica/Hoyt- I like them- I like this triangle.

• I also like Bill and Jessica’s dynamic so much more than I did before. Jessica was a pain in the ass teenager in past seasons, and now she’s interesting and I don’t want her to (insert dramatic Bill voice) “meet the truth death.”

• Eric and Sookie are much better developed in the book. Don’t get me wrong, I still dig them, and ultimately want them together, but the show needs to take a little more time developing them.

• Pam – gross. Sorry don’t like that whole story. She looks like a walking chemical peel gone wrong.

• I don’t like Eric bowing to Bill. I like that in the book, Eric and Sookie were in their own little world, that’s how the book developed them well.

• Dear Tara, why are you so stupid running through the woods alone and shit. You’re really annoying. Pam annoys me too, but I kind of want her to end you.

• Spoke to soon, Tara was pretty damn funny when she said to ResurrectorMarnie  “Tara ain’t so crazy how Marnie is talking about herself.” Fine Tara, I like you. For this one fleeting moment.

• Lafayette is a Medium. Hmmm…. Wait, wait, oh! Nope, still don’t care.

• Poor Sam. His brother is annoying. And almost messed up his relationship with the first chick that I don’t mind for Sam. Sam’s line to his lady friend, “No one was in my apartment, unless my brother let himself in.” Oh he let himself in alright Sam.  

• Skin walking… huh? I don’t get it. Is this a shifter side effect? Or shifter level? Please explain.

• Arlene wears a fanny pack. That’s all. And a demon baby on her back.

• Andy and Blonde witch, dig it, love it, let’s see some more. Also, Andy in a tie. Ha.

• Lafayette sees dead people. Still boring. Move it along though…

• Jesus, you are boring. (Not you the reader. You, meaning JESUS the character.) Try as I may, i cannot garner an ounce of interest for this character. Is it just me that feels this way?

• Okay never has there been such a funny scene as the waitress on Pam’s coffin. Hysterical.

• That spell should have been called the Sears Photo Fan spell. Everyone just looked like they were standing in front of a fan, having their hair blown all around, as if they were about to pose for a Sears photo.

• Necromancer – is that a real word….? According to spell check it is. Bill says that word in a really hot way too. Perhaps I just like the sound of his voice.

• “The Sun!”…. Yeah, they didn’t need Jessica to say that line, it was pretty clear what was happening. 

-RG, August 12, 2011